HERE'S TO HEARING!

I went to the Hearing Department of Hadassah College to have my hearing tested.

The doctor squinched up her nose and said, “Well, you would benefit from hearing aids, IF YOU WANT.”

Of course I don't want! Who wants hearing aids?

But then again, she said that poor hearing could lead to dementia. But poor dental care can lead to dementia. And lack of movement can lead to dementia. And this can, and that can. Apparently, EVERYTHING can lead to dementia.

I didn't mean to get hearing aids. I always heard my husband. He didn't hear me. It is frustrating for me. (He doesn't seem to mind.) So, I told him he must have his hearing checked.

He said, “I'm not going unless you go.”

I figured, okay, I'll get my hearing checked, because I REALLY NEED HIM TO GET HEARING AIDS.

We took the tests. My husband's results showed an age-related deterioration in his hearing. Not bad, but hearing aids would benefit him. Then they tested me.

They stopped in the middle of the test, and one of the testers asked, “Were you in an explosion, Mrs. Katz?”

EXPLOSION?! Of course not!

“Well, that's what the test shows.”

I looked at the graph coming out of the printer. There was a decline, but halfway down there was a straight line to the bottom of the page, making a sharp V. I told the testers there must be a mistake.

“Mrs. Katz, we have tested you thoroughly for more than an hour. There is no mistake.”

Well, I can't think of any explosion. Maybe some booms from music that was too loud at a wedding or bar mitzvah, maybe a blast or two in earphones at a recording studio, but no explosion.

In the doctor's office, I sat with my husband, not believing that I needed hearing aids. I never felt that I couldn't hear. But I agreed to try them. The doctor put them in my ears. Suddenly I was in a submarine.

“Hellllloooo! Hellllllooooo!”

The clock was ticking so loudly, I thought the entire college must hear it. “You'll get used to it,” the doctor said.

I did tell her one thing, though. “I will NOT wear them when I'm dancing!”

She reluctantly agreed, “Okay, but I really suggest you wear them all the time.”

“The last thing I want to worry about is jiggling my hearing aids off when tap dancing!”

(From the look on her face, she knew she wasn't going to win on that one.) So, that was that. She asked me to try them seriously for two weeks, and then we'll reassess.

SLUUUURRRRP

Last night I wore them to a meeting. The woman next to me was SLURPING HER WATER.

“SLUUUUUURP! SLURRRRRRRRRRRRRRP!”

WHEN DID PEOPLE GET SO ANNOYING?! When I got hearing aids.

Meanwhile, my husband is in love. He goes to a shiur. He hears everything. Every conversation. He doesn't miss a word. He sits there smiling, watching the news on his phone. (And I am sure there is nothing to smile about.)

I'm happy for him - really. And, I guess I'll just have to stay away from water bottles and clocks.

Here's to hearing!